right now is good
Jail is fine, it’s just a state of mind. It’s like a gas station. There’s wifi, there’s regular food. It’s better than everything we had before. Today I’m free though, and the pavement is warm and rough and soaked from the rain and I’ve been barefoot for a few days. This is Trump country so I get a smile, a nod and a free beer from anyone I lock eyeballs with. And there’s boats, all the time. Flying big blue MAGA flags, driven by fat dudes who fist pump at me because I fist pumped them first.
Yesterday I was standing outside the CVS in Glen Cove with the blood stain in the middle of my yellow t-shirt when I thought this thought: the first drag of every cigarette is better than every first kiss or fuck combined I’ve had in my whole life.
The first drag of every cigarette is the first bite of my last meal.
The first drag of every cigarette is true love every time and it’s why I smoke. Glen Cove (where I’m writing this from) is a disgusting place. But when I light a cigarette I’m your man again. The last drag before I flick it feels like the last time I saw you. The middle of the cigarette was when we lived at your parents house, and your body was the pile of warm laundry I slept, fucked, and played in every day. I still smell clean laundry when I can, I still stop into Laundromats when I can - just so I can smell bleach and softener and push strangers cotton into my eyes and sit on some metal bench and dream about you and the way the back of your neck smelled with my mouth against it.
It’s 9:30PM and the storm is over and my body feels underfed but handsome. My son is asleep on my chest for the first time in seven years and I’m at a loss of what tomorrow means. My bank account is overdrawn by -644.32 because when you get out of jail they charge you. It’s all fucked.
But right now is good.
How are you