louisa

I wake up sweating at 3am and roll over but something happens to my neck and a nerve gets bent and sends shooting pains down my right side. I know I won’t be able to get back to sleep, so I start kissing Louisa. “don’t love bomb me” she mutters in her sleep, I’m hard but not going to force the issue so I roll back over onto my back. I go to the bathroom but I can’t piss, I go to the kitchen but the fridge is empty. I hear a coyote outside and feel jealous. The houses in this neighborhood are long and low like fancy trailers with gold numbers on them, sitting on top of curly cue driveways where depressed parents make a final stand, every day. Kids in their bedrooms dreaming, dad alone in the garage hears the same coyote. I’m naked in the empty kitchen with my fading hard on. The coyote stops, and there’s nothing but the sound of the fan from the central air conditioning. I try to piss again, nothing. I sit down to shit. Nothing. So I stay there, sitting on the toilet with my back aching, feet on the cold tile in the dark bathroom, naked and waiting.

“what the fuck are you doing?” Louisa’s voice comes in from the bedroom towards me

“stupid fucking bullshit” I say

it’s met with silence, nobody says anything. I feel the burning in my chest, the same burn that wants to drink, or crush someone’s face, or have my body crushed by cement blocks.

“I’m not doing this right now” she replies to the silence.

“I didn’t ASK YOU to do ANYTHING” I fire back quickly leaving little space between our voices. the burning is intensifying now, adrenaline is getting into the mix and I want more, I want to cum. But Louisa doesn’t say anything, she knows better. She backs off, silent, and becomes invisible and small, and doesn’t give me what I need. My ass hurts from the toilet seat, my neck hurts from everything. I’m frustrated and starving, I want someone to walk in and put a nail through my forehead, I want someone to kiss me with a wet mouth, I want the expensive therapy to kick in the way a line up your nose into your brain does. I just want to feel good again.

the sun is coming up, and the whole living room is blue. There’s a cat on a chair and he farts. I’m still naked and watching the sun rise. “You get what you need, where you can” - I think to myself. Knowing full well that nothing good can come from this.